A new life 2015

Oh hello there. I didn't realize that I had a blog. It's been a while since I blogged. Lol. Oh well. A year have passed and here I am still in Langkawi, living my life as a carefree person. Year 2014 has been a rough ride but it was worth it cause it made me who I am today. A stronger person. And yes I've found someone new. 

Yep, you heard it right. Someone new. I did not expect it as well. Hahahaha. 

Well, this new guy.... He's a lot different from the rest. Why? Hahahha. Cause he's sensitive, soft-hearted, kind and loving. Did I tell u that he's a gentleman as well? Yes. He is. I was surprised that he went all the way to my side just to open / close the door for me. And that was our first date. As friends. No doubt that made a very good expression of him. Hahaha. And the best thing is that, he didn't even realize that he captured my heart already by doing so. Well u see, that was the first time someone did all that. Yes. Believe it or not. As you can see, I am not the kind of person who are easily amused by things like flowers or chocolates or expensive gifts. For me, it's the heart that matters. As long as u're sincere. Guys don't get that,don't they? Okay enough already with lovey Dovey thing. Lol

Well, guys.... I am happy now. That's it. Full stop. 2015 no doubt is a good year for me. Be it work or personal. It has it's ups and downs but most of it is positive and I'm happy with it. 

Don't worry. Im no longer a zombie cause dalam hati ada bunga tek nak. Hahhaahhahaha. 

It's time

Time to move on with my life. Oh langkawi, here I come.....

Emptiness is my enemy

I feel so empty. Meh. Why can't I just be happy like how I used to be? God help me. 😔

The truth

Sometimes it is what it seems to be. Truth hurts. 

Insecurity or guts?

Something smells fishy and I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes I think I know the truth but... As much as I wanna brush it off, it keeps on coming back to me. Like what people always say.. U can feel something is not right when ur other half is doing something wrong... It's like sixth sense. U can just feel it. All the time I've been trying to prove myself wrong, sadly I'm always right. Sigh. 

I know what's going on although he keeps on denying it... I wanna say.. I wanna scream.. Saying that he lied.. But I guess I don't have the right to do so. It's his life. his love life. Why is it so hard for me to let go? Why is it so hard for me to face the truth that I'm no longer a priority for him? That.. I'm just a friend..? Why can't I just hate him like most of the breakups? Why I don't feel relieve at all when we broke up? 

He changed. Somehow it feels so distant. My heart and his. I know mine cause it's the heartbreak that makes me like this. I feel sad and angry at the same time. I just don't know.. 

From the bottom of my broken heart?

oh hello readers! Thank you for stopping by to my new blog. Well, previously i had one(that was long time ago,heh) but i couldn't remember... anyway, here i am. Some of you might wonder why now..well, you see...I'm bored. Frustrated. Angry. Sad. These mixed feelings inside of me and the things that are going thru my mind. I have to let it out somehow. Aaaaaand, I don't trust talking to a friend or 'bestfriend', whatever you name it... cause i did(trust me, that's the first thing i did), and guess what. Yep. Word of mouth. Spreads faster than virus/bacteria. Sigh. So yeah. 

Okay. 2013. Lots of memories back then. A funny one, happy, sad, you name it. All in one i must say. 2013 has taught me a lot of things, physically and mentally but not emotionally....yet. Yes, i'm still dealing with it. And no, I'm not okay. But I'll manage. As always. And that's love. I've been in and out of love before...but this time around it felt different. This is not a puppy love nor high school/college sweetheart. Cheated on me a few times..doing things on his own way to make it right..i dont know. Really. I just dont understand(sometimes) the things that he thought which is the correct way of doing things. Maybe i expect more of him because he's smart? Perhaps.. And for the first time in my whole relationship, i fell in love. Deeply in love. Yeah. Deeply enough to forgive(but not forget) several times, gave my whole heart in the relationship, giving him what he wants just to see him happy(makes me a happy kid too)... And what do i get in return? Betrayal. Cheated on. AGAIN. and again. All i'm asking for is just pure love from him and just enough attention to show his love for me. Is that really hard? After four years of relationship, he then realize that he's not ready to commit in a relationship. Like seriously? FOUR FREAKING YEARS TO REALIZE THAT??? For all the pain i held inside, for the love that i've held on mistake after another? After all the promises...empty promises... all he could say is a simple word "not ready to commit". Well, I didn't asked you to marry me now.. I would love to get married one day but now is not the time. We all know that. 

I hate him. I love him at the same time. Yeah, we became friends, the break-up is a mutual thing, maybe a bit; like 70%(him)-30%(mine).. It's hard, no doubt. But i'll get used to it. Just a matter of time to heal this small small heart of mine. Which is why i chose to move out from the city. I couldn't handle this feeling any longer. Oh so much pain. If you ever been in love(literally fell in love kind of thing, unexpected love), then you would know what i mean and how it feels when people that you love doesn't appreciate what you do for them and how far you would go just to make them feel better. But that's the problem with guys at this age. Instead of improving themselves and learn to be responsible, they chose fun fun fun like teenagers. And instead of improving ourselves TOGETHER(sama2 naik bah), he chose "you go your way..do it your own way and i'll go my way and do it my own way of doing things". You know what i see in that? Bullshit. How did other people manage their way up and they're still together?(of course on the way up it wouldn't be filled with flowers along the road..there will always be their ups and downs) Isn't it a lot more better to be with a person who saw you when you're a nobody with nothing and stick with you up till you're a somebody with lots of money? Isn't it more worth it? But i guess that's when Love is nothing compared to Lust and Beauty(physically). I guess I'm not up to your kind-of-girl standard. I don't have pretty long slender legs, a Victoria Secret's female model body, nor that unique attractive face features with long wavy salon curls. I'm actually excatly the opposite of what it is. 

The break-up..it changed me. It ruins me. My confidence in myself especially. The pain i felt everytime i open my eyes. The tears i shed every single night before i sleep. Yes. Since last October up until now, it hurts more and more. And yes. Right now as well as i'm typing it out to let it out. I am not the same since then. It is really hard for me to smile what more to laugh. I don't feel happy. This is the worse time in my whole life because this is when i know that i am lost. I just don't have the heart to do anything and everything. And yet i find it hard to sleep at night. Sometimes I didn't even sleep at night because i couldn't sleep. And i did try. Then i got headache. Ugh. Yeah. I feel like a zombie. A life zombie. 

So yeah. there goes my past. The love of my life. Just like another love story that got away.